The Greatest Weakness of Strong Women

The Greatest Weakness of Strong Women

Stop being the One-And-Only

Post published by Marcia Reynolds Psy.D. on Jul 28, 2011 in Wander Woman

Alice's relationship was rocky for years. She is a powerful executive coach who is asked to speak on leadership topics world-wide. When she met her boyfriend Dan, he was the marketing VP for a well-known global corporation. During their relationship, he moved on to creating his own consultancy. The travels and changes in their lives made for a bumpy relationship.
One Thursday evening Alice and I were on our way to a business meeting. She took a detour, explaining that she had to give Dan something. They had broken up for the upteenth time. I knew the stop was a way for her to see him, but I didn't say anything. When we got to Dan's house, I busied myself looking at pictures in his hallway while they talked.
In the middle of their hushed argument, Alice blurted, "You have no idea how much I need you."
After a long silence, Dan said, "I would have never known."
That conversation led to them getting back together. They are now married.
This was an incredible lesson for me. We strong women often feel we need to tough it out on our own. We forget to give others the gift of letting them help us. Do you ever wave off offers of help or reject suggestions from the people you love?
What will it take for you to open your arms to the gift of assistance and allow yourself to be comforted?
This is not just a personal problem. Playing the warrior, heroine and martyr can be even more intense at work. When was the last time you accepted advice from others? When you are under pressure, do you feel you have to know everything and keep things together? Are you afraid you would disappoint, let people down, or lose status in their eyes (or more likely, your own) if you let someone else step in and handle the situation?
If you are shaking your head in agreement, you are a victim of two beliefs. You might have one or both. They are equally powerful in shaping your behavior:

1. To be seen as a "strong women" you adamantly block anything that would resemble "being girly." You in no way want to be mistaken as one of "those women." Any small action that might make you look needy and dependent is repulsive.
2. You have been brought up with messages about being strong, tough, and the greatest at what you do. In an effort to shield you from the needy girl syndrome, or even The Imposter Phenomenon (link is external), one or both of your parents adamantly instilled a sense of righteous independence and significance in you. Now you are plagued by this Burden of Greatness (link is external).¹

As a result, you have created a wall that not only blocks other people from supporting you, it keeps you from creating intimate, mutual relationships. At work, your leadership could be questioned as you prevent full collaboration and respect for everyone's ideas.
Contrary to many leadership tomes, I don't think the answer is to "show your vulnerability." The problem is that you have defined accepting help as being vulnerable, which means you are susceptible to being wounded or hurt, including being open to criticism.
The truth is, you are vulnerable no matter what you do. Either the attack is to your face or behind your back. Either way, it hurts you whether you feel it or not.
When you accept help, listen to other ideas and let someone else do things for you, you are stronger, not vulnerable. You can accomplish more. You get better results. You are appreciated and respected for who you are as well as what you great things you do.
What step can you take today to take a brick from your wall? Can you:

1. Ask someone for their suggestions and then patiently and amiably accept them.
2. Give away one of your tasks that is meaningful (not just drudge work) such as allowing someone else to make a presentation for you, attend a meeting or event in your place or take on a piece of your work that will help them develop their skills.
3. Tell someone how much you appreciate their help and assistance. Acknowledge what they mean to you.
4. Accept well-intended advice whether you plan to use it or not. Be gracious. Acknowledge the gift instead of treating it as an annoyance or attack on your intelligence.

Create interdependencies. This doesn't make you dependent. These days when work blurs into your home life with cell phones and email, embracing help makes you more powerful than trying to do everything alone.
¹ The Burden of Greatness emerged as a strong theme in my doctoral study of today's high-achieving women. This trend is full explained in my book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction (link is external) (Berrett-Koehler, 2010).

Michelle Obama: Most Powerful Mom?

Michelle Obama: Most Powerful Mom?

According to Working Mother’s Top Ten Moms of 2011, Michelle Obama ranks as one of the ten most powerful moms in the world. 
 
As much as I respect Working Mother magazine, and delight in Michelle Obama (along with most of the world), I beg to differ. 
 
Michelle Obama IS popular, with approval ratings close to seventy percent. But popular flies a different flag than powerful.  Of all the women in the world I admire, Michelle Obama is the one from whom I’d like to see a little more power-flexing -- and a whole lot less bicep-flexing.
 
The last interesting quote from Michelle Obama was her now-infamous February 2008 campaign cutline that America’s support of a black presidential candidate made her proud of her country for the first time in her adult life. I was intrigued by her heartfelt words. As an educationally and economically privileged white American woman, I wanted more on the subject from her.  Of course it’s harder to be proud of this country if you are black, given our history of slavery, economic discrimination and voter intimidation  -- but as a white woman, I’d rarely thought about patriotism in that vein. 
 
Obama opened my eyes to the still-prevalent prejudice black moms face in the workforce, in the polling booth, and in raising children.  She made me think long and hard about what it would be like to be a black mom, holding a child’s hand on the first day of kindergarten at an underfunded and overcrowded public school, or driving with kids in the backseat through a predominately not-black neighborhood, or taking a gravely sick black child to a hospital staffed mostly by white doctors and nurses.
 
But instead of praising her candor, conservative media and rival politicians portrayed Obama as the stereotypical “angry black woman.” These howls effectively silenced Michelle Obama for the rest of the campaign and the first four years of her husband’s presidency.  She’s hardly spoken up since - in public, at least.  Probably to the satisfaction of her husband’s press office, but to our collective loss.
 
We see Michelle Obama plenty.  She’s regularly smiling and pumping her arms on the cover of Vogue, People, Ladies Home Journal and Reader’s Digest. We know the contents of her closet and where she shops. We know her height, her weight and her shoe size.
 
But do we know the contents of her mind?  We rarely hear her opinions on any subjects of substance.  I for one have seen enough of her upper appendages and her designer clothes, and read enough bland dogma on home-grown vegetables and aerobic exercise, to last me several lifetimes.  Are fashion and body-toning tips all we can expect from one of the most highly educated First Ladies in history?
Please don’t interpret this as criticism of Ms. Michelle.  I don’t imagine she has a lot of leeway.  I’m sure there is immense pressure - from political advisors, the black community, her husband, the watching world - to play her role as First Black Lady on the safe side.  First, do no harm is a critical political and societal goal for the only black couple to head the White House.  Maybe she’s just presenting an image palatable to Americans squeamish about a smart, powerful black woman running the White House - just as many celebrities craft an image to sell records, win elections, or raise capital.
 
Hands down, Michelle Obama has won the nation’s popularity contest.  But one of the primal lessons of feminism is that power outranks popularity.  I’m willing to be Michelle Obama has realized that, too.
 
I’d like to get past the image Michelle Obama projects - and to hear more of her opinions.  Particularly on the subjects she knows firsthand, the thorny topics that bedevil women today.  The importance of education in leveling the gender and racial playing fields (Michelle Obama went to Princeton and Harvard Law School).  What it’s like to be the major breadwinner (she out-earned her husband financially until she became First Mom in the White House).  How to juggle career and kids gracefully and without resentment.  The value of live-in childcare help (her mom moved to DC along with Malia and Sasha).  What it is really like to be the first black First Lady in America  -- something I, and the rest of the white women in America, know zilch about.
 
However pragmatic her strategy, I fear we’ve all lost something invaluable - the opportunity to hear from a black career woman, equal rights advocate, and mom with plenty of moxie and mind capital to share with our country.  Perhaps, whether President Obama is re-elected or not, the freedom from popularity polls will mean more straight talk from his wife.  I, for one, will be listening assiduously.

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