The Greatest Weakness of Strong Women

The Greatest Weakness of Strong Women

Stop being the One-And-Only

Post published by Marcia Reynolds Psy.D. on Jul 28, 2011 in Wander Woman

Alice's relationship was rocky for years. She is a powerful executive coach who is asked to speak on leadership topics world-wide. When she met her boyfriend Dan, he was the marketing VP for a well-known global corporation. During their relationship, he moved on to creating his own consultancy. The travels and changes in their lives made for a bumpy relationship.
One Thursday evening Alice and I were on our way to a business meeting. She took a detour, explaining that she had to give Dan something. They had broken up for the upteenth time. I knew the stop was a way for her to see him, but I didn't say anything. When we got to Dan's house, I busied myself looking at pictures in his hallway while they talked.
In the middle of their hushed argument, Alice blurted, "You have no idea how much I need you."
After a long silence, Dan said, "I would have never known."
That conversation led to them getting back together. They are now married.
This was an incredible lesson for me. We strong women often feel we need to tough it out on our own. We forget to give others the gift of letting them help us. Do you ever wave off offers of help or reject suggestions from the people you love?
What will it take for you to open your arms to the gift of assistance and allow yourself to be comforted?
This is not just a personal problem. Playing the warrior, heroine and martyr can be even more intense at work. When was the last time you accepted advice from others? When you are under pressure, do you feel you have to know everything and keep things together? Are you afraid you would disappoint, let people down, or lose status in their eyes (or more likely, your own) if you let someone else step in and handle the situation?
If you are shaking your head in agreement, you are a victim of two beliefs. You might have one or both. They are equally powerful in shaping your behavior:

1. To be seen as a "strong women" you adamantly block anything that would resemble "being girly." You in no way want to be mistaken as one of "those women." Any small action that might make you look needy and dependent is repulsive.
2. You have been brought up with messages about being strong, tough, and the greatest at what you do. In an effort to shield you from the needy girl syndrome, or even The Imposter Phenomenon (link is external), one or both of your parents adamantly instilled a sense of righteous independence and significance in you. Now you are plagued by this Burden of Greatness (link is external).¹

As a result, you have created a wall that not only blocks other people from supporting you, it keeps you from creating intimate, mutual relationships. At work, your leadership could be questioned as you prevent full collaboration and respect for everyone's ideas.
Contrary to many leadership tomes, I don't think the answer is to "show your vulnerability." The problem is that you have defined accepting help as being vulnerable, which means you are susceptible to being wounded or hurt, including being open to criticism.
The truth is, you are vulnerable no matter what you do. Either the attack is to your face or behind your back. Either way, it hurts you whether you feel it or not.
When you accept help, listen to other ideas and let someone else do things for you, you are stronger, not vulnerable. You can accomplish more. You get better results. You are appreciated and respected for who you are as well as what you great things you do.
What step can you take today to take a brick from your wall? Can you:

1. Ask someone for their suggestions and then patiently and amiably accept them.
2. Give away one of your tasks that is meaningful (not just drudge work) such as allowing someone else to make a presentation for you, attend a meeting or event in your place or take on a piece of your work that will help them develop their skills.
3. Tell someone how much you appreciate their help and assistance. Acknowledge what they mean to you.
4. Accept well-intended advice whether you plan to use it or not. Be gracious. Acknowledge the gift instead of treating it as an annoyance or attack on your intelligence.

Create interdependencies. This doesn't make you dependent. These days when work blurs into your home life with cell phones and email, embracing help makes you more powerful than trying to do everything alone.
¹ The Burden of Greatness emerged as a strong theme in my doctoral study of today's high-achieving women. This trend is full explained in my book, Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction (link is external) (Berrett-Koehler, 2010).

 

Baby and Children Sleep 

 http://www.parents.com/baby/sleep/basics/age-by-age-guide/

Newborn-2 Month Sleep Tips

• Newborns sleep in 2- to 4-hour intervals, waking up to eat.
• Babies this age tend to stir and look restless during sleep. Because of reflexes they can't control, it's common to see them twitch their arms and legs, smile and make sucking noises.
• Newborns aren't born knowing how to soothe themselves to sleep, so you may need to help, with tricks like using a pacifier, swaddling, rocking and breastfeeding. Remember, there's no such thing as spoiling a newborn, so it's OK to cuddle baby to help her doze off.

2-4 Month Sleep Tips

• Babies this age may sleep for six-hour stretches at night, and settle into more of a set nap schedule now.
• To get baby on a good sleep routine, make sure to play and expose her to lots of sunlight during the day and avoid over-stimulating her when it's dark out.
• Starting a pre-bedtime sleep routine -- like bath, feeding, story time -- can help ready baby to sleep through the night for longer stretches.

4-6 Month Sleep Tips

• Babies this age will start to quit nighttime feedings, and are usually ready to sleep through the night now, anywhere from six- to 12-hour stretches.
• Research shows about 60 percent of babies sleep through by 6 months, up to 80 percent do so by 9 months.
• Remember, all babies wake up sometimes during the night, but those who "sleep through" have learned how to nod off on their own.

For more on sleep-training your baby, read this  >>

 

6-12 Month Sleep Tips

• Some babies stop sleeping through the night now because of separation anxiety. Your baby knows you're around even when she can't see you, and may get upset when she wakes up.
• It's OK to go in and check on your crying baby, but keep visits short and try (as hard as it is) not to pick her up or feed her. Try rubbing her back, singing a soothing lullaby and ducking out after a few minutes.

1-2 Year Sleep Tips

• Active toddlers can have trouble relaxing and winding down at night -- causing bedtime battles. Try to keep things as calm as possible in the evenings, sticking to soothing activities like bath and story time.
• Once baby learns to climb out of the crib, she may attempt to snuggle in bed with you. This is a hard-to-break habit, so if you don't want to start a co-sleeping situation, bring her back to her own room.

2-5 Year Sleep Tips

• Toddler and preschooler sleep problems include procrastinating and resisting bedtime, getting out of their big-kid beds when they wake at night, and developing night fears.
• Stick to a bedtime routine and sleep schedule, make sure your kids understand the rules and be consistent about enforcing them.
• Using a nightlight or lovey can comfort kids who tend to get scared of the dark or have nightmares.

5-12 Year Sleep Tips

• Homework, a jam-packed social schedule and computer and TV time tend to push back bedtime.
• Cutting back on soda or other caffeine-packed drinks, as well as reducing TV-watching right before bed can help.
• Children with sleep-friendly bedrooms -- dark, cool and quiet, with no TV or computer -- tend to sleep better than those with lots of distractions.

Sources: Lucile Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford University; National Sleep Foundation, Baby 411 and Toddler 411 by Denise Fields and Ari Brown, MD
Copyright © 2008 Meredith Corporation.

Police: Missouri mom punches man who helped with child found in hot car

Posted 10:28 am, August 6, 2014, by CNN Wires

Kansas City, MO (KCTV) — A group of strangers stepped in when they saw a child left in a hot car while the child’s mother shopped and now the mother has been charged with second-degree child endangerment, a misdemeanor.
One woman who didn’t want to be identified said she and others spotted the little girl in the car and, when they couldn’t tell if the child was sleeping or unconscious, she and others sprang into action.
A report from the Kansas City, MO, Police Department said officers were called to the Game Stop, located just southeast of Interstate 29 and Missouri Route 152, about 7 p.m. Monday.
When they got to the area, police were called to the nearby Chipotle where they were told people were fighting. Tiquana S. Pasco, 29, was found yelling near the front door that someone had her daughter, but police say she was belligerent and didn’t follow orders from them.
A family said it began when they walked out of Chipotle and found a young child sitting in a car alone in her car seat. The car was not running and the windows were partly down. A couple of witnesses began looking for the child’s parent and one of them called police. They said they could see the 20-month-old girl sweating a lot inside.
“She opened the door and pulled the child out because she was awake with just sweat pouring down her face,” Jeremy Welch said.
Welch has a family of his own and his wife runs a daycare. They knew the child needed help.
“The other woman got a bottle of water and was giving her some water and we were just holding her,” he said.
Finally, a witness opened the unlocked door and took the child out of the car and a couple of them went to take the child into the air conditioning at Chipotle to cool off. It was then that witnesses told police that the girl’s mother, later identified as Pasco, came out of the Game Stop store and began shouting that they were taking her daughter.
“Suddenly this young woman comes out of the Game Stop and starts demanding who took her child out of her car,” Welch said.
“When she came out of the Game Stop her first words were ‘who took my baby?’ She was more incredulous that someone opened her door than the welfare of her child,” the woman who didn’t want to be identified said.
The officer’s report said that the witnesses told Pasco to calm down and that they had called police, but she responded that they should give her daughter back to her so they can leave. Witnesses then said that Pasco approached them and tried to pull the little girl from their arms.
“She kept yanking on the child’s arm to get her back. At that point the child was starting to cry and she got sick, vomiting at least three times,” the woman said.
When the witnesses walked back into Chipotle, they said Pasco followed them and pushed and hit Welch who got between her and the woman holding her little girl, demanding that they return her. Pasco also punched Welch and tore his shirt.
“She just grabbed my shirt and yanked it and I told her, ‘ma’am, I am going to restrain you now,'” he said.
The scuffle went on for minutes.
“(She said) give me my baby, I’m going, give me my baby,” Welch said.
Other people jumped in and got between Pasco and Welch and held the mother to the ground until police arrived.
“I wouldn’t change my actions, not one bit. Do I wish that somebody else would have taken charge of it before me so that I didn’t have to get involved, maybe,” Welch said.
A female witness said that during the disturbance the child threw up on herself and the woman holding her. The woman holding her took the child to the restroom to get cleaned up and said, once inside, the little girl vomited again.
“As I escorted her out of the restaurant, she (the mother) said that she left her (the child) in the car since she was asleep,” police wrote in their report.
The police report said they checked the thermometer in their patrol car when they got the call and it read 89 degrees.
“Sadly, we know all too well that leaving a child in a car can have tragic consequences. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, when the outside temperature is just 83 degrees, the temperature inside a car can reach 109 degrees in 15 minutes, even with the window rolled down two inches,” Platte County Prosecutor Eric Zahnd said in a written release.
The little girl was checked out by EMS at the scene and released to a godparent.
“The family was appreciative that I had the child instead of someone else who could have taken her. The car doors were unlocked and she was gone for at least 10 minutes,” said the woman who didn’t want to be identified.
She went on to say that she doesn’t think Pasco is a bad mother, just one who made a poor decision and used bad judgment, judgment that could have led to something serious happening to her child.
The mother was taken to headquarter’s detention and booked on an investigative hold. If convicted of child endangerment, Pasco faces up to a year in jail. She is currently being held in lieu of a $1,500 cash or surety bond.
Welch said he is also filing charges against Pasco.
No one answered when KCTV5 went to Pasco’s home.

http://kplr11.com/2014/08/06/police-missouri-mom-punches-man-who-helped-with-child-found-in-hot-car/